Belle Blog

TEN THOUGHTS TO PONDER IN 2006

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky…..not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now The world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT TO PONDER IN 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven’t got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.
Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration

EVER!!

I swear to god. So, last night my ex tip toes in the bar with his best bud and three trick hoes. First of all, guys, if you are trying to make your Ex jealous by bringing trick hoes up in her work environment, then do it with some fucking balls! He creeps up with the chicks, I’m outside smokin’ a joe with the bouncer. I see him and say “Hi Guys! How are ya?!” with the biggest smile, and he cowers like i’m swinging at him, and gives me a look like “aren’t you upset?”
If you are going to try to get to me, to make me upset by bringing tricks, then do it with flare. walk up and kiss me on the fucking cheek, like Judas! Let your balls drop.
And if you’re going to bring a trick hoe up in my shit, then at least make it someone worth fucking. someone I would want to fuck. not the bleach blonde 16year old replica of me. that’s pathetic. And you are then pathetic.
And don’t let the 16year old order a wine spritzer. It makes you look as weak as she is.

Then the asshole keeps repeating “man, I can’t wait till you start drinking again!” over and over like a broken record. broken and sadly confused if he thinks I will ever share a drink with him again. hell, i’m charging him double for them as it is.

Before the little girls in their Forever21 skirts asked for directions to Coyote Ugly (yes, you read that right), Yankee actually said “I’m glad everythings going well for you Belle,” then, get this, one arm still reaching back for the little girl, actually uttered the words…”Just wish you weren’t so busy. I’d love to nail you down for a couple nights.”

let it sink in. Women, let your eyes open wide and feel the rush of blood to the head. Roger, Shaun, linger over the rhetoric, smooth, sleek and serving its purpose leisurely. CHOKE on it. I almost did.
the audacity! the nerve! CHOKE on it because you know what it is. a last a desperate attempt of the night to GET To YOU. He just wants to see you falter. to see you blush. he needs to know you have pain in some way.
because he does. still choking? still want to punch him? keep your hand down under the bar.
use the muscles in your cheeks to draw up the sweet smile your mother taught you.

“You and everyone else in the bar, Andrew.”
(sweet smile)

I will not be broken.

Last night, working at Kingshead, the bouncer and I are watching this guy accross the street stumble all night. He was some bum obviously high on heroin. its the only drug I know to allow someone to act like he was. The guy was basically sleepign standing up for hours on end. He had his eyes half shut and completely glazed the fuck over. He was swaying back and forth violently. well sometimes violently, sometimes gently like the wind. imagine when you are dozing off in class and your head keeps bobbing back and forth. now apply this memory to your whole body, and more importantly your mind. If it is good heroin, you will also be feeling like you are orgasming continuously and gently while this is going on. and your eyes aren’t blacked out, though glazed over. they are seeing everything like an Alice and Wonderland version. if you aren’t hallucinating.
Have you ever seen someone play this game where you spin around with your forehead on a baseball bat and then try to runn a straight line? This is what we were watching for hours. the guy would put his forehead on the back of this parked suburban, probably grateful for the cool feel of the metal. He and his forehead spins around the back of this dented maroon vehicle, like a hippie under the stars. this continues, hysterically for a while, the rest of his body trying to drag him to ground. Or at least sit on the bumper. But No! The addiction doesn’t have time fo rsleep or giving up. so he bobs up and down, as if his forehead were superglued on. Occasionally the glue fails, though. and he tumbles to the ground. this is where it gets sad. the man would tumble like a bird falling out of the sky right into the middle of 14th street! a very busy road.
If you’re on heroin you shouldn’t fall assleep. it is dangerrous. you could never wake up. or you coud get run over buy a taxi. especially if you are asleep on 14th in Manhattan. have no fear. wee didn’t let that happen. if he fell into the street we would pick him up as cabbies swerved around us. eventually he found his way down the street, btu not until we tried to have the police intervene. Kingshead is right next to a dunkin donuts. so when a couple officers stopped for coffe i told them they should do something about the guy before he got hit by a cab. they said, “hey sweetheart. you see the yellow line in the middle of the road? that’ sthe beginning of the thirteenth precinct. and since we work the fourth, it ain’t our problem.” They actually almost hit him themselves when pulling away. they blinded him with the headlights doing a u turn, causing him to fall flat on his face in front of their patrol car.
They backed up and weent around the body.

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

So, I attempted to ‘cook,’ if you will, today. Twice. And screwed up both times.
i was making.. pudding..and a lean cuisine.

fucked both up real bad.

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her Clarkston, MI class. She presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don’t change horses………………until they stop.
2. Strike while the………………..bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before………..Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of………………….termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but…………………how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that………………looks dirty.
7. No news is…………………..impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ………….Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new …………math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, ……you’ll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust……….. me.
12. The pen is mightier than the………………..pigs.
13. An idle mind is………………………the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s ……………..pollution.
15. Happy the bride who……………….gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is…………………not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s………………..the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what………… you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and …….you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ……………Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ……….spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed ……….get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ……see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ……..get out of the way.

and the WINNER and last one is…

25. Better late than……………………………….pregnant.

ah, yes. sweet relief. I am a paid actor once again. have no fear, i will take over the world as promised. Sobriety only strengthens my resolve to conquer and domesticate all of you. that’s right! get back in the closet, bitch!
While down south, I died in my first horror film and recorded my first rap label with ..um… what are their names..uh, oh yeah.
i recorded with TABERNACLE.
starring in thier first demo “Blood on my Titties” due out soon. straight out of Saul’s trunk. as soon as he fixes his ride.

New York awaits. i’ll have pics soon.

The bleach soaked right into my scalp and now I am a cheerleader.
I wonder if that is how it always works.
must have ’sorority blonde’ hair for the movie. not ’stripper blonde.’
I look like a fucking cheerleader. but i love the fumes from the dye.
someone said i look more like a virgin.
…think about that.

In high school my father referred to one of my friends as ‘the cheerleader’ because she had a high pitched voice. I don’t have a voice. it fell into a bottle of JD. and then I went looking for it.
still haven’t found it.
let me know if you hear anything..

I’m going to be in a horror film. its low budget SAG so its cool and all.
but none of that matters when you think about the fact that I am going to be in a HORROR FILM!! HA!
I can’t even watch scary movies because I’ll pee in the bed. and now I’m going to be killed in one!
by a Mardi Gras VooDoo murderer! it’s the Louisiana version of Texas Chain Saw Massacre!!!
Everybody loves Texas Chainsaw Massacre! well, except me, because I get real scared. but everyone else! I play the half-slut. There is a Lead, a Slut, teh half slut and the nobody. when it comes to the girls. and i’m the half slut. imagine that.

and, yes, you get to see me kiss a girl on film.

Flying into Baton Rouge Monday night at 8, working Tuesday but possibly going out that night as well as Monday. Definately Monday! Leavin’ on Wednesday.
Any couches or beds appreciated.